Power in Weakness

What if I'm not enough? What if I'm too broken to be used? These questions have circled my mind for the past ten years.

At eighteen, a young college student studying to be a pastor, I was certain I could take on hell with a water pistol. Then I stepped into the real world. And while I chased Jesus with everything I had — Georgia, North Carolina, Alaska — none of those places were too far to follow His calling. Over and over, my wife and I sold what we had to follow Him. And over and over, heartbreak — not the ordinary kind that makes you weary, but the kind that turns most people away from the gospel altogether.

I was fired as a youth pastor because we wouldn't fall in line. Abandoned by our church while living in isolation, far from anyone who knew our name. It started to feel like new church, same problem. Was it me? Was there something about me that people simply didn't want to deal with?

At that point, I gave up. Ministry was done for me. I wanted no part of people who claimed to love Jesus while repeatedly damaging the people around them.

My wife and I had reached a place where we weren't sure we even wanted to go to church. Yes — we were that hurt.

We moved to a small town — Rockmart, Georgia — and in an attempt to give our kids a gospel-centered life, we found a church with a vision to love people to wholeness. This place was different. When we walked in, they didn't guilt us into serving. They asked us our story and said, "Give us a year. Just come and soak it in."

They knew our story. They saw our heart. They also saw our hurt — and instead of pushing us to meet their needs, they tried to help us heal ours.

Today, I am hesitant to step back into any kind of ministry. And yet here I am — stepping onto a stage to lead worship for the first time in years. All those old questions still fill my head. I'm broken. Why would God want to use me?

And every time, I come back to Paul's words:

But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 1 Corinthians 1:27

What if God never wasted the breaking — so that His light might shine through what was left? That idea fights everything we want as human beings. We want comfort and a worldly view of prosperity. If God needs to break us so that others might come to know Him — are you willing to let that happen?

I am not completely healed from the heartache I have faced. I keep returning to what God said to Paul:

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Paul's response was not to hide his wounds. He boasted in them — so that Christ's power might rest on him. I am learning to do the same. Not because the pain was good, but because the grace running through it is.